Skenazy: That singing feeling

Time to go a-caroling. Sing along with what went wrong!

Gwyneth’s Conscious Christmas Carol (to the tune of “Sleigh Ride”)

We’re consciously uncoupling,
Breaking up-alling, too.
I told Chris, “Nice to see ya,
But basically, we are through.

Lenore Skenazy Free-Range Kids

Lenore Skenazy
Free-Range Kids

Let’s take the road before us.
It’s called divor-us,
Oh, yes, it’s lovely weather
To consciously sever from you!

Giddyap, giddyap, giddyap, let’s go.
I’m in a new show.
Then I’ve got to write a post on kale.
Giddyap, giddyap, giddyap, it’s grand
Releasing your hand.
We’re crashing ashore, and what’s more, I never did like your band.

I’ll go and juice some endives
And tell my friends I’ve dumped you,
Because it’s grand uncoupling
Not snuggle-uppling with you.

We’re Delayed (to “Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!”)

Oh, the weather outside is frightful,
But of course, they crammed this flight full.
Just don’t say these words, I prayed:
“We’re delayed! We’re delayed! We’re delayed!”

Now the pilot is getting folksy,
Using words like “okey-dokesy.”
So much for my free upgrade!
We’re delayed! We’re delayed! We’re delayed!

No one’s certain when we’ll push back.
Seems we’re 18th or 19th to go.
I had hoped that they’d serve a snack.
Guess I’ll just gnaw on my toe.

Oh, the pilot is gettin’ loopy.
He said, “Folks, I made a poopy.”
For an Uber ride, I would trade!
We’re delayed! We’re delayed! We’re delayed!
We’re delayed! We’re delayed! We’re delayed!

And to All a Good Night … of Sleep (to “All Through the Night”)

Sleep, my child. Just pop Lunestas
All through the night.
Give sweet dreams to drug investas
All through the night.

Ambien should help with snoozing —
Or Sonata; it’s confusing.
Better still, why not try boozing?
All through the night.

Frosty the Outsourced Snowman (to “Frosty the Snowman”)

Frosty the Snowman was a jolly, happy soul.
He worked every year
Spreading Christmas cheer
Till his job got shipped to Seoul.

Frosty the Snowman,
He’s a part-time guy today,
Working weekend shifts
At some local drifts
For about one-third his pay.

He looks a little tragic
‘Cause his old silk hat is gone.
And when he mutters to himself,
No one wants him on their lawn.

Oh, Frosty the Snowman
Saw his job base melt away.
But officials say
It’ll be OK;
He’ll be back again someday! (As a snowball in Green Bay.)

Have Yourself an Anaconda Christmas (to “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas”)

Have yourself an anaconda Christmas.
Be a snake’s big meal.
Darkness and a hug is all they say you’ll feel.

Have yourself an anaconda Christmas.
Be a roast of rump.
Someday soon we’ll wave to you when you’re a bump!

Then again, maybe think it through
As your ribs and you go crunch.
Old friends won’t be near to you
Once they hear that you are brunch.

So, as you have your anaconda Christmas,
At that first “YEOW!”
Call your lawyer, have him read the fine print now!
And don’t become a bowl of anaconda chow.

Lenore Skenazy is host of the new show “World’s Worst Mom” on the Discovery Life Channel, debuting¬†Jan. 22. She is also a keynote speaker and author of the book and blog “Free-Range Kids.”

Filed in: Latest Headlines, Opinion

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